


Self Doubt

by AnnabethBlack



Category: Drawfee RPF
Genre: Anxiety, Encouragement, Friendship, Gen, Support, hallucination, self doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-02
Updated: 2018-06-02
Packaged: 2019-05-17 05:47:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14826485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnabethBlack/pseuds/AnnabethBlack
Summary: All alone in the office, Willie finds himself too scared to publish his latest YouTube video. That is, until Caldwell shows up and gives him the encouragement that he needs. Sometimes you just need a friend to support you.





	Self Doubt

**Author's Note:**

> It took me a while to post this fic because it felt very personal due to the nature of the topic. For that reason I did ask Willie first to read it and I obtained his permission to post it here long before I had the courage to do so.

Willie stared at the computer screen, his finger hovering mere millimetres above his mouse. His eyes had glazed over allowing the screen to be reflected across widened pupils. There was nothing but silence in the shared College Humor and Dorkly offices. Everybody had gone home, leaving Willie alone to free-fall in to the dark pit of  _ what-ifs _ .

As Willie’s finger twitched someone grabbed the chair next to him and plopped down in to the seat. Willie turned to see Caldwell beam at him with paternal pride.

“Did you  _ want _ to give me a fucking heart attack?” Willie yelped, wheeling back a bit to better see his colleague more clearly. “And shouldn’t you be in California?”

“Just publish the ding-dang video already Willie.” Caldwell completely ignored the question at him.

“What? No!” Willie scowled.

“Fine, I’ll do it then.” Caldwell shrugged and reached towards the mouse.

“Fuck  _ off _ Caldwell! I don’t want to yet.” Willie threw himself forward to slap Caldwell’s hand away.

Caldwell withdrew his hand and cocked his head to the side a little, looking over his friend with the tiniest furrow in his brow.

“What’s stopping you?” Caldwell asked.

Willie was quiet for a moment, drifting back to the pit of  _ what-ifs _ . His eyes began to glaze over again but the process was promptly interrupted by Caldwell laying a firm hand on Willie’s upper arm.

“What if they hate it?” Saying out loud made Willie wince. The words hung in the air around him, circling like vultures and pecking violently at his defences.

“You already previewed it and asked for feedback didn’t you?” Caldwell raised an eyebrow.

“I mean, yeah but-” Willie started but Caldwell cut him off.

“And they liked it, didn’t they?” Caldwell had a point but that didn’t matter.

“They would say anything I did was great even if it was just a hot turd on a piece of dirty cardboard.” Willie grumbled, eyeing up the mouse button once more.

“Well we both know that is not true. I-” Caldwell began but it was Willie’s turn to cut him off this time.

“Well this isn’t about you Caldwell so shut up! This is about me and  _ my _ insecurities and  _ MY  _ overwhelming fear of rejection! This isn’t Drawfee! I don’t have half a million nice fans to stan me or whatever! People could be mean to me and rip me to pieces and I’m not sure that I could take it!” Willie yelled, pushing himself away from the desk.

He got up and paced, kicking Jacob’s chair with an explosion of pent up rage as he passed that particular desk. Caldwell said nothing, leaning back in his chair to watch with sad, silent eyes as Willie let his anxieties get the better of him. After a while of snarls and muted screams Willie felt calm enough to return to his seat. His eyes were wet with hot anger but no tears had fallen. He wasn’t going to be a little bitch about it.

“No, this isn’t Drawfee. This is different, it is yours. It is also where Nathan and I used to be.” Caldwell said quietly.

“Yeah but you got paid to do Drawfee by the company. You didn’t have much to lose.” Willie snapped.

“No, we didn’t have much to lose. Just our jobs, and our pride, because, hey, we were filming those right in the middle of office and looking like idiots in front of all of y’all but whatever. Nothing to lose.” Caldwell pointed out.

It was unrealistically catty of him which Willie admired. Willie also noted that there was a lot of truth to Caldwell’s point, even if he didn’t want to admit it.

“Nobody said how hard it would be. How much it would feel like cutting open your guts for the vultures to maybe rip out.” Willie whined, looking Caldwell dead in the eyes. Secretly he hoped for words of comfort. Caldwell was a good friend when it came to that.

“Nobody said it would be easy either.” Caldwell mused, leaning back in his chair.

Both men glanced over to the mouse. The cursor in the screen still hovered over the publish button.

Willie found himself hit with a wave of nausea. His brain felt like someone had wrapped a rubber band around it, building up pressure inside his head that might make him explode. Squeezing his eyes shut, Willie willed the ball of emotions plugging up his throat to dissipate but nothing worked.

Caldwell watched in silence, not because he didn’t know what to say, but because speaking now would not do Willie any favours. As Willie took a deep breath Caldwell reached out and placed a hand on his back. It was only a light touch. So light that Willie could hardly feel it.

All of a sudden there was a buzz on the desk that caused the two men to jump. Willie looked to his phone to see Twitter notifications filling up his screen. A quick skim read saw that people were liking his preview video and a couple of them were even asking him when the video would be published properly so they could share with their friends. The handles were all familiar. Willie recognised their names as his small troupe of dedicated fans. There were less of them than he had years of his life lived but they did make Willie feel appreciated when it mattered the most.

“So, you gonna do it? Or are we going to sit here all night?” Caldwell asked cheekily.

“Shut up.” Willie grumbled, his hand already reaching towards the mouse.

Quickly, like he was ripping off a band aid, Willie hit the publish button.

“There! I-” Willie turned triumphantly to Caldwell but there was no one there.

Screwing up his face in confusion, Willie looked around the office but there wasn’t a soul in sight. The chair next to his was tucked neatly under the desk. The lights had remained off and there was no sign of movement. Willie was alone.

“Caldwell?” He called out uncertainly but there was no one to hear him.

Unsure of what to do, Willie grabbed his phone and unlocked it. The screen lit up a bright blue before displaying his Twitter newsfeed. Right there at the top, posted 1 minute previously, was a selfie of Caldwell pulling a funny face in some kooky sunglasses by a palm tree. He was very clearly not in New York.

Willie locked his phone again and placed it face down on his desk. Two options seemed clear to him at that point in time: sit in the office and spiral in an anxiety-induced what-the-fuck vortex of crappy thoughts, or go home and hug his dog Lily. Before he could overthink his choice, Willie stood up and grabbed his jacket. Snuggling his dog would make everything better. It always did.

 


End file.
